(Editor’s Note: The following dating advice column comes courtesy of @FakeJeffWithey, the entertaining alter ego to KU basketball player, Jeff Withey. Follow him on Twitter for lively in-game commentary and general shenanigans and rascality. Warning, explicit/awesome language to follow).
What should I get my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day?
In a perfect world you would be enough to satisfy your girlfriend and you wouldn’t need to buy her a gift. But since you’re not me, a gift is probably a good idea.
I really feel that Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake brought gift giving to a whole new level with D*** In A Box. Unfortunately this isn’t always practical. For example, I have only pulled this move off one time, when I was able to track down an old box that was previously used to house a refrigerator (Side Note: Don’t give this gift at your girlfriend’s grandmother’s 70th birthday. Awkward for everyone).
Since I am laying claim to all the dimes in the area, I assume most of you are dating uggo’s. With that in mind, I think the best gift you can get her is something that benefits both of you. Pick something about her appearance that you don’t like. It could be anything from her weight, to her complexion, to her boob size. Next, find a way to subtly suggest that she improve this area. You might think this is insulting, but trust me women are a goal-driven species. And nothing is going to drive home your point like buying a bra two cup sizes too large, or a scale with a target weight written on the base. Be careful not to set your goals too high though, because if they get too hot they’re probably just going to leave you for a basketball player.
Do you condone online dating?
Online dating is tough. The best-case scenario here has you banging a 7 or 8 with trust issues. Worst-case, your Ms. Right turns out to be an overweight Mizzou fan named Steve. I’ll share a story below on why I think the positives of online dating do not outweigh the negatives.
The names of those involved have been changed to protect the victims’ identities.
The year was 2011 and a young man on a college basketball team was having a tough time meeting women. This was an uncommon problem for members of this particular basketball team, but senior guard Gordan Guenemann had high expectations for his women. Because of these expectations, Guenemann turned to dating website ChristianMingle.com
Through online chats and late night phone calls, Guenemann fell in love with a wonderful, kind-hearted woman. Then early in the season, tragedy struck and Gordan Guenemann’s girlfriend was killed in a car accident. Amazingly, he was able to turn this tragedy to triumph as his inspired play in mop-up minutes propelled his team to within one win of a national championship. It wasn’t until after the season that Guenemann was told his girlfriend was actually his teammate (and international sex symbol) Jeff Witheyasosopo playing an elaborate practical joke on him.
In the end, Guenemann lost the big game, lost the big award, and is generally considered to be a weird dude for falling in love with a woman who never existed. Moral of the story…online dating is sketchy.
How do I land an older woman?
The key to landing any woman is to find common interests. Unfortunately, in your question you didn’t mention the age of the older woman you’re going after. To help solve this problem, I have put together a table of common interests broken down by age, which should help you through your journey. Cut this out and keep it in your wallet for advice on the fly.
Prom, posting duck face pictures to Facebook, Dollar Night at The Hawk, shoes
50 Shades of Gray, posting pictures of their food to Instagram, yoga pants, any one of the Kardashians, shoes
HGTV, their ex-husband, Adele, gluten-free meals, that cute thing their kid did once, shoes
The way things used to be, Stephen King, Home Shopping Network, gardening, shoes
The Great Depression, naps, Roosevelt (either one), shoes
My girlfriend is great, except she doesn’t know anything about basketball. Is there anything I can do to fix this?
Stop dating K-State fans.