It is missouri [sic] week (read: HATE week), and even though the game has some huge implications for the conference title, tournament seeding, etc., I’m not really thinking about that. I’m just thinking about how much I want KU to destroy the tigers [sic] on Saturday.

I’m talking total embarrassment.

But before I get to the game, I’d like to share a few parting shots about our easterly neighbors:

Let’s start with the actual state. The whole place is a hellhole, a bastion of obscenity and suck. And don’t get me started on their roads. It’s almost as if the owners of the zillions of fireworks stands go outside once a month and blow new holes in the roads just for kicks. Remember when former Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius compared Missouri roads to 9/11? I thought it was a little overboard at the time, but I admired her enthusiasm.

Now for the people of missouri. For a state so close to Kansas, you sure find a different breed of folks across the border. Sure, there are exceptions. But for every normal person, it seems like missouri is home to three bass-ackward rednecks that get more zest for life shooting shotguns and hanging rubber testicles from their trucks than getting a job. You know what I’m talking about. The ones that spend their entire government checks on belt buckles and Boone’s Farm. They have a gold and black mizzou flag hanging on their flagpole that they made out of a pillowcase. The only flag hanging higher is the confederate flag that has been passed down from the local “Sons of Confederate Veterans” chapter. Here’s the other kicker. None of these idiots attended mU. Most couldn’t point columbia [sic] out on a map.

As for the school itself. You’d think that the University of missouri would be representative of the picture I have painted thus far. It isn’t. It is primarily made up of legacies and well-to-dos. Naturally, this means most of the students are pricks. There is a huge fraternity and sorority demographic, and the entire columbia bar scene matches its students. There is no diversity. Nothing interesting. The whole place is a frameless taupe hallway.

When it comes to athletics, they care about football and…well, football. That is, unless they are hosting KU at Paige Ar…err…mizzou Arena, in which case it might sell out. Though the vast majority of students are not hillbilly rednecks like so much of the fan base, whenever missouri plays KU, these kids decide to turn into hillbilly rednecks. For some reason, against KU, it’s “cool” to embrace missouri’s slave state heritage, making light of quantrill’s [sic] raid and missouri’s role in famous slave cases like Dred Scott. Oh, and if you’re wearing a Kansas shirt at a missouri game, you better bring a change of clothes. And earmuff the kids.

As for the rivalry with KU. Just the thought of it gets my blood boiling. No other rivalry comes close. Sure, UNC “hates” Duke. And Michigan isn’t a big fan of Ohio State. Whatever. Those are cute little tiffs. Petty quarrels among the largely conciliatory fan bases.

This is sheer vitriol.

It’s not even the individual players at missouri that I despise (although I can think of a few). It’s bragging rights. It is a symbolic match of right vs. wrong. It’s USA vs. Soviet Union in 1980. The game meant a lot, but the victory over our enemies meant just as much, if not more. KU’s all-time record against mizzou in football and basketball is 226-150. Just as the Jayhawkers defeated the bushwhackers in the Civil War, good has been winning out against evil for 120 years in the field of athletics.

That game in columbia earlier this year was tough to stomach. Especially since the good guys crushed the bad guys for 95% of the game. Hopefully, though, the Jayhawks will remember that feeling. That gut-wrenching “how did that happen?” kind of feeling that we rarely feel, especially against the tigers.

And I want the Jayhawks to return the favor.

Except this time, I don’t want the tigers to feel it with only seconds to go like we did over at the paige. I want them to feel it halfway through the first half. I want them to get that feeling so many other teams have when they’ve entered the Phog — that, “Is this game over yet?” kind of feeling. The feeling where they just can’t wait to get back in the locker room and on a bus out of town with their tails between their legs. I hope this game is a blowout. Nay, an annihilation.

As for missouri leaving. In many ways, it is kind of a sad departure. Not because KU shares any real love for missouri. It’s more of a “we love to hate you” feeling. Most KU fans think it’s a bad decision. But, as even most missouri fans will admit, we have all grown accustomed to missouri making terrible choices when it comes to the administration of athletics. I’m sure this decision will be a good one…you know, for us to eternally make fun of.

So anyway. Later losers. I still and will always hate you.