One of our favorite pastimes here at Jayhawk Talk is playing the Fake Joe Dooley Drinking Game or #DooleyDrinkingGame for those playing at home. It has been gone for six (6!?!) years, but it is back — as is the @FakeJoeDooley twitter account. If you want to re-live the old rules, they’re here. But now we have new ones for the new players. The rules seem complicated, but they’re not. Essentially, you draft a player and you are responsible for that player throughout the game. Then there’s some other rules that apply to everyone. One read through and you’ll figure it out. Also, @joshdutcher graciously put together printable (or shareable, this is 2018 after all) cheat sheets so you can easily play along at home with multiple people.

Those cheat sheets are HERE.

But the rules in just text form are as follows, courtesy of Fake Joe:

I. THE “PLAYER DRAFT”

Before the game begins, you must conduct a player “draft.” You’re responsible for draft order. Drafters choose from one of the seven [sic] starters on the team: Devonté, Malik, Doke, Svi, Lagerald, Marcus, or #MartiniRoomMitch. If you have more than seven playing the game, you choose a starter that has already been chosen (two people may have the same starter). Don’t worry about the reserve players. They’ll come into play later on.

II. YOUR INDIVIDUAL DRAFTED PLAYER RULES: (Refer to the draft)

All of Section II is specific to your drafted starting player.

Scoring Rule:

• Drink one (1) for every point your drafted player scores (E.g., You drafted Malik and he makes a layup – drink two; or, you drafted Svi and he makes a 3-pointer – drink three). Always remember that these drinks are not meant to be a burden. It’s a celebration. We just fucking scored.

 Superpower Rule:

Each starter has a freaking SUPERPOWER. This superpower is specific to only that player. When your drafted player uses his superpower in the course of the game, you give drinks out instead of take them. The individual superpowers are as follows:

• Marcus: Every time Marcus makes a “hustle play” (e.g., takes a charge, attempts a charge, picks a pocket, flops, drops, dives, or scrambles), give out three (3) drinks to anyone in the room. Feel free to slap the floor with two hands before delivering.
• Doke: Every time Doke dunks it, give out three (3). If he mean mugs after it, mean mug the person next to you and give them an extra drink. If he flexes, you have to also flex or your fellow competitors can make you finish your drink. (To be safe, just flex every time.).
• Svi: Every time Svi attempts a 3-pointer, give out one (1) drink. If he makes the 3-pointer, give out three (3) drinks.
• Malik: Every time Malik pulls up for a jumper, give out two (2) drinks. If he converts on that pull up, give out five (5) drinks.
• Devonté: Every time he is dribbling and does that head-fake-try-to-get-foul-call thing, give two (2). If he gets the call, give four (4). Also as a super duper power, for every minute that Devonté sits on the bench, give two (2).
• Lagerald: Every time Lagerald attempts a lob dunk, give three (3). If he converts, give four (4). And if it’s fucking awesome, give five (5) because dunks are awesome.
• Martini Room Mitch: Every time Mitch attempts a charge, give five (5). If he succeeds, give fifteen (15).

Special Individual Player Rules: (Rare individual player rules)

These are rare instances that your drafted player may play a part in during the course of a game. Watch for these both for your player and other players in the room.

• Technical Foul: Drink 10 if your drafted player gets a technical foul. Also punch your neighbor and give him or her 10 as well (don’t need to inflict real pain, but it’s your world). You may spread these 10 around the room if you’d prefer. If William gets a technical, everyone finish your drink.
• Posterized: If your drafted player posterizes another team’s player, give out 5 drinks to the room. If you get up and re-enact the play, give out 15.
• Career High: If your drafted player achieves a career high in points, you can give out drinks to the room up to that total (e.g., if Doke bests his career high by scoring 30 points, you can give out 30 drinks).

III. UNIVERSAL TEAM RULES: (Everyone in the room takes part in these)

These are meant to be community rules and are separate from the individual drafted player rules.

3-Point Rule:

• Every time a Kansas three-point basket is made, everyone has to throw up the 3-goggles sign over your eye (hold up three fingers in the “a-ok” formation and putting the circle over your eye). The LAST player to do it has to drink 5.

Frustration Time-Out Rule:

• If the other team calls a timeout in frustration after a big KU run or exciting play, find a partner and do a jumping back-bump. Or invent your own “back to the huddle” celebration and tweet it to @FakeJoeDooley and I will post it.

Pizza Commercial Rule:

• If your television shows a pizza commercial, take one (1) drink and order another pizza. No pizza days off.

Kids Rule:

• Because you guys are all old now and may have kids in the room, this rule is new and for you. If the camera shows Self yelling at a player, the first person to tell a kid about playing fundamental basketball gets to give five (5). (E.g., Come on Miles, you need to guard somebody! Parker, drink 5.)

IV. RESERVE RULES:

• The Silvio Rule: Silvio is a lot like Mario when he gets a star because he runs around all crazy.  When Silvio enters the game, everyone drink 4 because its about to get wild.
• The Bench Holdback Rule:  Dunks are often very dangerous and cause people to freak out. If the bench players are shown holding out their arms to prevent the rest of the players from jumping on the court, stretch your arms out and prevent your neighbor from jumping into your TV and drink (2).  Send me your best holdback pictures.
• If Martini Room Mitch does something funny for the camera, everyone toast to him “Martini Room!” And drink three (3).
• If Conner’s brother, Clay something, the football guy, or one of the other walk-ons I can’t remember enters the game, drink five (5) because we actually put a team away.

V. TWITTER SHIT

Send @FakeJoeDooley pictures of your group playing this drinking game and use the hashtag #DooleyDrinkingGame. If it’s an especially good example of how the game is to be played, it will be retweeted. If your picture is retweeted, give out twenty (20) drinks courtesy of ME. You are fucking welcome.