Editor’s Note: @FakeJeffWithey on twitter is a great follow. Check him out if you haven’t. What follows is his first installment of guest pieces to JHT. Just in time for Valentine’s Day…I present, @FakeJeffWithey’s Dating Advice.
“I met a really hot girl and she gave me her number. The only problem is she goes to MU. What do I do?”
I find that the most effective way to deal with rivalries (and most of life’s challenges) is through stereotypes. In the same way that you would never marry an Asian girl because you couldn’t trust her to drive your kids to school, stereotypes should keep you from ever considering a Missouri or K-State student, alum, or fan as a dating possibility. Just think of all that could go wrong with this relationship. When the happy ending to a love story involves you having a lame “House Divided” license plate on your car, the relationship is not worth pursuing. And that’s the best case scenario. How are you going to feel when you’re in your living room watching KU play in the Final Four and your house blows up because of the meth lab in the basement? My guess: not very good. The best advice I can give you in this situation is to nail and bail. No relationship, no feelings. I’d rather marry a Kansas 4 than a Missouri 10.
“How do I get my girlfriend to agree to a threesome?”
Threesomes will always hold a special place in my heart seeing as how I lost my virginity in a three-way. Unfortunately I haven’t had to think about them in quite some time. When you become a star, three becomes four, four becomes five, and five becomes six. These numbers keep increasing as you inch closer to becoming a cultural icon.
For those of you that aren’t seven foot superstars, threesomes can be intimidating. The key is confidence. To get started you should work on another girl behind your girlfriend’s back. Pretend you’re James Bond and be as sly and secretive as possible. Once you know the new girl is down, you now have to get your girlfriend comfortable with the idea. How do you do this? My personal preference is tequila. Once your girlfriend is drunk enough, call the other girl over and start getting Withey with it. Good luck!
“What is the best way to decorate a bachelor pad?”
Most people think that the goal of a bachelor pad is to impress a girl with your decorating skills. Most people are wrong. Once a girl is back at your place, you’ve already done the impressing. Your bachelor pad should be designed to send one message: It’s time to get down to business.
The living room and any common space should be designed to deter lingering. This means no TV, no coffee table, and absolutely no furniture. Now to the important part, the bedroom and it’s three necessities. The first step is finding the right bed, because as the old cliché goes, that’s where the magic happens. The bed should be comfortable, but not so comfortable that she wants to sleep over. Next you’ll need a mini fridge stocked full of Red Bull and Gatorade. This will give you the energy and hydration you need to go multiple rounds. Finally, you need lava lamps and lots of them. We live in the 21st century now people, if lava lamps haven’t replaced your need for overhead lighting; you need to get with the times.
