Posts Tagged Fake Jeff Withey

@FakeJeffWithey’s 2013 Dating Advice (Valentine’s Day Edition)

Posted on: February 12th, 2013 by jayhawktalk No Comments

(Editor’s Note: The following dating advice column comes courtesy of @FakeJeffWithey, the entertaining alter ego to KU basketball player, Jeff Withey. Follow him on Twitter for lively in-game commentary and general shenanigans and rascality. Warning, explicit/awesome language to follow).

 

What should I get my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day?

In a perfect world you would be enough to satisfy your girlfriend and you wouldn’t need to buy her a gift.  But since you’re not me, a gift is probably a good idea.

I really feel that Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake brought gift giving to a whole new level with D*** In A Box. Unfortunately this isn’t always practical. For example, I have only pulled this move off one time,  when I was able to track down an old box that was previously used to house a refrigerator (Side Note: Don’t give this gift at your girlfriend’s grandmother’s 70th birthday. Awkward for everyone).

Since I am laying claim to all the dimes in the area, I assume most of you are dating uggo’s.  With that in mind, I think the best gift you can get her is something that benefits both of you.  Pick something about her appearance that you don’t like.  It could be anything from her weight, to her complexion, to her boob size.  Next, find a way to subtly suggest that she improve this area.  You might think this is insulting, but trust me women are a goal-driven species.  And nothing is going to drive home your point like buying a bra two cup sizes too large, or a scale with a target weight written on the base.  Be careful not to set your goals too high though, because if they get too hot they’re probably just going to leave you for a basketball player.

Do you condone online dating?

Online dating is tough.  The best-case scenario here has you banging a 7 or 8 with trust issues.  Worst-case, your Ms. Right turns out to be an overweight Mizzou fan named Steve.  I’ll share a story below on why I think the positives of online dating do not outweigh the negatives.

The names of those involved have been changed to protect the victims’ identities.

The year was 2011 and a young man on a college basketball team was having a tough time meeting women.  This was an uncommon problem for members of this particular basketball team, but senior guard Gordan Guenemann had high expectations for his women.  Because of these expectations, Guenemann turned to dating website ChristianMingle.com

Through online chats and late night phone calls, Guenemann fell in love with a wonderful, kind-hearted woman.  Then early in the season, tragedy struck and Gordan Guenemann’s girlfriend was killed in a car accident.  Amazingly, he was able to turn this tragedy to triumph as his inspired play in mop-up minutes propelled his team to within one win of a national championship.  It wasn’t until after the season that Guenemann was told his girlfriend was actually his teammate (and international sex symbol) Jeff Witheyasosopo playing an elaborate practical joke on him.

In the end, Guenemann lost the big game, lost the big award, and is generally considered to be a weird dude for falling in love with a woman who never existed. Moral of the story…online dating is sketchy.

How do I land an older woman?

The key to landing any woman is to find common interests.  Unfortunately, in your question you didn’t mention the age of the older woman you’re going after.  To help solve this problem, I have put together a table of common interests broken down by age, which should help you through your journey.  Cut this out and keep it in your wallet for advice on the fly.

 

Age

Interests

16-18

 Prom, posting duck face pictures to Facebook, Dollar Night at The Hawk, shoes

19-30

 50 Shades of Gray, posting pictures of their food to Instagram, yoga pants, any one of the Kardashians, shoes

31-40

 HGTV, their ex-husband, Adele, gluten-free meals, that cute thing their kid did once, shoes

41-60

 The way things used to be, Stephen King, Home Shopping Network, gardening, shoes

61+

 The Great Depression, naps, Roosevelt (either one), shoes

 

 

My girlfriend is great, except she doesn’t know anything about basketball.  Is there anything I can do to fix this?

Stop dating K-State fans.

 

@FakeJeffWithey’s Dating Advice

Posted on: February 14th, 2012 by jayhawktalk No Comments

Editor’s Note: @FakeJeffWithey on twitter is a great follow. Check him out if you haven’t. What follows is his first installment of guest pieces to JHT. Just in time for Valentine’s Day…I present, @FakeJeffWithey’s Dating Advice.

“I met a really hot girl and she gave me her number.  The only problem is she goes to MU.  What do I do?”

I find that the most effective way to deal with rivalries (and most of life’s challenges) is through stereotypes.  In the same way that you would never marry an Asian girl because you couldn’t trust her to drive your kids to school, stereotypes should keep you from ever considering a Missouri or K-State student, alum, or fan as a dating possibility.  Just think of all that could go wrong with this relationship.  When the happy ending to a love story involves you having a lame “House Divided” license plate on your car, the relationship is not worth pursuing.  And that’s the best case scenario.  How are you going to feel when you’re in your living room watching KU play in the Final Four and your house blows up because of the meth lab in the basement?  My guess: not very good.   The best advice I can give you in this situation is to nail and bail.  No relationship, no feelings.  I’d rather marry a Kansas 4 than a Missouri 10.

“How do I get my girlfriend to agree to a threesome?”

Threesomes will always hold a special place in my heart seeing as how I lost my virginity in a three-way.  Unfortunately I haven’t had to think about them in quite some time.  When you become a star, three becomes four, four becomes five, and five becomes six.  These numbers keep increasing as you inch closer to becoming a cultural icon.

For those of you that aren’t seven foot superstars, threesomes can be intimidating.  The key is confidence.  To get started you should work on another girl behind your girlfriend’s back.  Pretend you’re James Bond and be as sly and secretive as possible.  Once you know the new girl is down, you now have to get your girlfriend comfortable with the idea.  How do you do this?  My personal preference is tequila.  Once your girlfriend is drunk enough, call the other girl over and start getting Withey with it.  Good luck!

“What is the best way to decorate a bachelor pad?”

Most people think that the goal of a bachelor pad is to impress a girl with your decorating skills.  Most people are wrong.  Once a girl is back at your place, you’ve already done the impressing.  Your bachelor pad should be designed to send one message: It’s time to get down to business.

The living room and any common space should be designed to deter lingering.  This means no TV, no coffee table, and absolutely no furniture.  Now to the important part, the bedroom and it’s three necessities.  The first step is finding the right bed, because as the old cliché goes, that’s where the magic happens.  The bed should be comfortable, but not so comfortable that she wants to sleep over.  Next you’ll need a mini fridge stocked full of Red Bull and Gatorade.  This will give you the energy and hydration you need to go multiple rounds.  Finally, you need lava lamps and lots of them.  We live in the 21st century now people, if lava lamps haven’t replaced your need for overhead lighting; you need to get with the times.

Rock Chalk Tweet Tweet

Posted on: January 25th, 2012 by jayhawktalk 1 Comment

Many KU fan signs are inspired by Twitter

I’m into Twitter. I know many of you are too. I got on my Twitter game in the middle of 2008. I started @JayhawkTalk a couple years later, mostly so that I could keep my personal life tweets separate from my KU tweets. Not that there was much of a difference in the two timelines.

Since the middle of 2010, I have watched the KU Twitter community burgeon into quite the social phenomenon. I follow quite a few other fan bases on Twitter in addition to KU, and I’d be hard pressed to find a school that does Twitter quite like Jayhawks do Twitter.

It’s actually interesting how organized KU fans are. For instance, there are bona fide hash tags for both sports (#kubball and #kufball). Most schools can’t even figure out what one of their tags should be (read: #kstate, #emaw, #ksu #ksumbb). There are also funny or unique KU hash tags that people get on board with (#FreeSelby, #FOE, #WitheyBeingWithey, #KUCMB, #MarchSwagness, and #PointPlankn). They come and go, and new ones are always popping up and catching on.

Hell, recently we’ve even seen people playing @FakeJoeDooley‘s drinking game via twitter.

There’s no question KU tweeters aren’t afraid to be passionate too. I see all of the national sports writers retweeting and responding to KU fans every day. Sure, we’re noisy and we like to defend our team. Some of it, though, is that we are just all about Twitter.

Every so often, I plan to highlight some people on my blog that I enjoy following. The list is not meant to be exhaustive or even close to it. I just thought it would be worthwhile to point out a few people every so often that have their Jayhawk Twitter game on lock down as well.

I’ll separate them by category. Also, now is a good place to note that I have extensive Twitter lists maintained from @JayhawkTalk that I encourage you to take a look at if you’re not into following everyone. Check them out here.

Here are 30 folks off the top of my head that I enjoy following for one reason or another.

Always have great KU info: @BHanni @JayhawkSlant @RockChalkTalk  @mlavieri @mctait

Good recruiting info: @ebosshoops @KUTheShiver @EvanDanielscout @AdamZagoria

Folks I always stop to read: @joshklingler @jaybilas @getnickwright @kenpomeroy @mellinger

Fun follows: @DanBeebe @FakeJoeDooley @FakeJeffWithey @KansasHulk @FakeCharlesWeis

Solid KU fan follows: @CassieRupp @kevbo9 @katiehollar @jayhawk_kevin @kutattkat @travis_ku @crimsonandblu

Best KU player follows: @_tee_y (and not close), @dp2nice

Best Former KU player follows: @nickcollison4, @next718star

That’s all for now. Again, I did this off the top of my head, so please don’t reply and ask why you weren’t included. Over time, I’ll do more of these kinds of posts with updated people I enjoy following.

In the interim, Rock Chalk Jayhawk! #kubball #kucmb

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